Setting boundaries

How do we kindly and proactively ensure healthy boundaries? It’s not an easy task, and oftentimes, rather intimidating; telling people what you need might seem selfish, aggressive, or even rude. But it’s important: Boundaries allow us to feel safe and respected both physically and emotionally. Noticing our limits helps us to take better care of ourselves, builds trust, prevents burnout, and infuses more meaning and authenticity into our relationships. 

And there’s a way to do it that protects our best interests and helps loved ones understand us better. 

While most of us weren’t taught this vital life skill in school, it’s never too late to start exploring how we might benefit from better boundaries. Here are a few ways to begin:

1.    Start noticing your signals.

Our bodies always give us a signal when we are near a personal limit. You may notice that your jaw tightens slightly, you may feel it in your stomach or your throat. Whatever you notice this is your cue. This discomfort that you are feeling is your body’s way of telling you that your boundary is being overstepped.

2.    Know your priorities.

3.    Your time is a limited and valuable resource. If you try to please everyone, you not only purchase a one-way ticket to burnout and resentment, you also deny yourself the pleasure and growth of focusing on what you value. Next time you say yes to someone, make sure you’re not saying no to yourself. Take some time to write a list of priorities and compare it to where you spend your time and energy to decide if you need to make any adjustments. 

4.    Communicate clearly.

 This may sound obvious but sometimes we struggle to say no. Practice saying no when you don’t want to do something. You don’t have to explain yourself or offer an excuse. Simply replying  “No thank you” or “ Thanks but I can’t” is enough.

Get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

If you are not used to setting boundaries, you may feel scared or guilty or nervous when setting your own personal boundaries. Consider talking this through with a friend or a coach, who may help you with breathing exercises and support you in setting boundaries.

Take time.

 If you’re ever caught off guard by someone crossing a boundary, and you’re not sure how to respond, offer yourself permission to return to the conversation after you’ve had some time to reflect. Don’t feel rushed into replying immediately. Try saying something like, “Thank you so much but I just need some time to think about this and will get back to you shortly”.

 Be prepared.

 Don’t be surprised if some people react poorly to your feedback. People who are controlling, manipulative, abusive, or who have unhealthy boundaries themselves may be triggered when you set a boundary. You can express your limits with compassion, but it’s not your job to make it okay for them.

 Respect other people’s boundaries.

 People often give us both physical and verbal cues about their own boundaries. Notice if they take a step back, avoid eye contact, or seem uncomfortable. Of course, everyone is unique, and their cues will mean and communicate different things. Ultimately if you’re not sure what someone’s boundary is, you can always ask. ““Can I ask you a personal question?”

 If you would like to talk about how you can live more confidently please contact me on nickidennis66@googlemail.com